I have a list of things to do.  I am excited about tomorrow.  Today with Ann was great.  We had a great time talking and though it feels a little like dating and I need to practice not talking over her, it was a fun date.  The movie would have been tragic for me 10 years ago but now just feels like art. The minds and souls of children are indeed blessed--I'm not sure how one would go through life without a callous or two.  But maybe being emotionally honest with you, God, is the way to that childlike heart. If you can peel and heal everyday, then maybe I can stay holy.

Weird things: I feel myself being drawn to you via new agey methods.  I am starting to like self-help books.  This feels sacreligious to the religion of my memory,  but the concern is vague.  I am trying to gt closer to you and me, too.  A mI wrong to beliee there is some of you inside of me to be found?  I have always been taught and followed an anti-navel gazing mindset, but so far that I have trouble hearing myself.  What do I want seems like the craziest question.  But that Barb Shay or whatever her name was guru person posed hearing inner spirit as similar to the gut check you make when you decide on what you're hungry for.  Though this too is a hard analogy--I was taught to eat (and like) whatever meal is in front of me.

The point is, we all have affinities, at least in the moment.  Like picking an ice cream flavor.  Right now, without a doubt I would choose cookies and cream.  Ask me in two hours, though, and this may change.

So 1. am I *allowed* to get in touch with my affinities?  Is this inherently selfish?  Is doing so inherently ungodly because it is not directly from you, not necessarily of service, and not biblical? I can tell you though, that my gut is screaming that this is what I need.  I need to know my own voice.

I get angry when I compare how easy a time others seem to know what they want.  With all my heart I hope I can teach my kids to understand themselves and their wants.

In the path of emptiness I still have myself.  I have you too, but you are not visible but through my mind and heart and soul.  You are speaking through me.

I don't like, God, how Christianity has paled to me.  How I'm not excited about the things I repeated in my youth.  How even the whiff of corporate church makes me sick.  (For example, city church, which seemed to have good people with good, righteous intentions.  Maybe it was the blue and purple lights that triggered my revulsion?  Idk.)

I don't know what makes me light up anymore.  I have been trying so hard to quiet everything inside so to function.

When were my last moments of True joy?
Car ride with mom and Josh to pickup my dress/look for a wedding location: feeling like family, with our own weird language; some couch/living room moments like that too.

grand canyon: freaking beautiful and sharing those sights with Noa.

hot air balloon: also freaking beautiful and sharing that with Noa.

crater lake: freaking beautiful.  sharing the freaking beautiful with Noa.  Swimming in it.

nyc: independence, travel, confidence builder, doing stuff I wanted, living w/o fear

having written something good for Brian's writing class: crafting something to perfection & receiving props, feeling heard, hearing myself

drawing class in Honolulu art academy: exploratory, able to 'feel' it out (except for perspective)

dancing in the halau: when we received instruction.  being mentored.  working toward perfection.

swimming out past elks: freedom to go as far and long as I want.  solitude

the wednesday minor league class with john russell teaching: because the energy was high, i was ON, it was higher caliber

when holzer asked if instead of their money back for a missing interface, they could 'get more Ho'onani time': because they had found value in my work

being formally accepted into the MBA program: having hope for a future career

signing up for Bridges to volunteer: a place I can learn and do good work

Walking the path from the Myer's to saturday market--because it was new, lovely, and Noa was with me

Volunteering at the rose garden: beauty and community and rose flavored shaved ice!

Hanging out after improv two weeks ago

Getting rid of clothes: feeling lighter, like I can have freedom to move and travel and create clarity to define who I am.  I want to make choices that are honest to myself, that draw lines on an identity.