What a crazy world, crazy life. I really only find any sense of grounding from God's word, will, and way right now.
I need a sabbath. I need some space, 1x week, to be alone. To clean or do whatever it is I need to do.
I have a thoughtful presentation due tomorrow morning. It will be a long night tonight, since I am the kind of person that must still myself long enough to create good work.
I do miss the luxury of wandering around college all day. That was amazing. Not having responsibility but to study for a few classes and if you wanted Bs or Cs, that responsibility could be put off until the last minute. It was a little piece of eden, where i could stroll around in the trees and grass and birds and just let my spirit worship. I know that's not very "meaningful" and that I wasn't making any money, or progressing in any way, but it felt (and feels) so righteous that I wholeheartedly believe it is a worthy life. Sometimes I like to fancy I'll be an angel someday just worshiping you for eternity.
However, the extreme of that lifestyle is well, probably a homeless wanderer. And without relationship, not at all attached to others--in reality, slightly deluded.
God, I pray you help me find the beauty in Noa that you made. It is so apparent in nature, but I have stopped seeing your light in people. I don't feel safe looking for you in humankind anymore--though I used to when I was younger (middle school, high school). And the beauty in Nana. And the beauty in all those I touch/interact with. If we are made in your image, nothing can change that fact, no matter how we clothe it in bitterness or fear, makeup or zealousness.
May I find your presence, your handiwork, and worship You for it. Amen.
I thank you for your holy spirit and how you are working. I am sorry that I want more and more, faster and faster. I want it all and when I get glimpses of how I really have no control, I freak out. I freaked out this past weekend with Noa. I just want so badly for him to be my Godly leader, but I am learning, yes, I know, that I cannot rely on Noa, or mom, or memory, or Sunday church services to know you. Augh.
But I want to smile so big and so real with my whole heart so that I might bless You and bless Noa, that he and You both know how blessed I feel. Please, God.
You are working in his heart and mine. I pray that your work be protected in our hearts. Life has just gotten challenging. I still want your intimacy and joy to be so alluring that I never think about leaving and the same for Noa. However, I know, that faith requires more than that--where I have to choose you just because, not because of how I feel at the moment.
I do want to be married to him already. I really do. When he kissed me in the car early this morning, so lovingly, so gentle, so honest before leaving for his flight, I knew. I just want our life to start, I don't want to pretend anymore with sleepovers and dates. He is my husband, I know it in my heart. In the heart you have filled and the two loves seem to be getting along swell, which gives me so much peace. The rest, the details of the wedding planning is killing me, it really is. You know the last entry I wrote long ago about how poorly I deal with transitions? And how it would be an exhibition of new strength to merely open my eyes and try to enjoy the journey? Well, now I have to PLAN the journey, not just the destination? No, that's pretty much beyond my capabilities. And now I understand why.
So we've got Marley on board now. And we meet with her next week. I pray that you would be present in our meetings with her and in our relationship with her. I pray that you would use her to create the wedding you know is best! What do you think we would like/we need, God? Only You really know!
Fill Noa with love for You. You first. I know if that if he loves You, he will love me. And he will love himself, and others. And you can love him back because he'll let You in. Here's our hearts, Lord take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
Lastly, work. Well, not lastly, there are a million things to pray about. But help me to work unto You, to do a good job, to be faithful with the little I have, to edify, to bless. Make my silly little interviews and powerpoint etc. worship to you, pleasing to you. Worship with the brain and not just the heart? I believe it can be done!
Much love. Thank you for never, never, never leaving me (or us--all of us).
Amen & amen!
--H
