i have to exercise now.
I've hit the ominous 199 as of this morning. So wrong to be this big. I don't feel huge though, but I know I am getting bigger when I look in the mirror. How did this happen? two months ago I was 15 lbs lighter. I know I was stressed with the wedding, etc. I was also on a higher dosage of meds (by choice).
It's funny, I've spent all this time telling Noa I'm worried about his weight and his health and now I'm suddenly on the decline myself. Hm.
So the other part is I know I need to step it up for us. We're both waiting for each other to get motivated. Hrm. I'm frustrated to have his weight on top of mine, but I'm sure he feels the same way about me.
Lucky, then that I hit that 199--because I will fight as hard as possible to stay far away from the evil 200, as it is, to me, the sign of defeat. Of letting laziness take control of me instead of taking control of myself.
Okey doke. So we'll work out tonight. That's a good start. And tomorrow, I'm walking to work. Even though I have an 8am call. So be it.
God bless us as we try to be better. Please give us your H.S. bump, and may we permanently lose more than the weight--may we lose our laziness and lack of focus as well. Shed us of that as well as the fat! And may we seek you daily as part of our discipline. Amen!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
We're married!
And I'm tired!
The wedding was great. The wedding night was great. The honeymoon was great. Everything is great! There's just no time to clean, to breathe, to settle with work being so nuts right now. I'm stressed and exhausted.
I can't wait until September, when hopefully I can stop running. That will be good.
Until then, however, I need to focus and fight to push all the way through the finish line. Off to Tennessee!
peace.
And I'm tired!
The wedding was great. The wedding night was great. The honeymoon was great. Everything is great! There's just no time to clean, to breathe, to settle with work being so nuts right now. I'm stressed and exhausted.
I can't wait until September, when hopefully I can stop running. That will be good.
Until then, however, I need to focus and fight to push all the way through the finish line. Off to Tennessee!
peace.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thursday and such
So I've been trying to ignore it, but I've had these muscular pain points for as long as I can remember, but they come and go. Last night after returning to halau, I hurt so bad. My muscles ached like I had the flu, but only in certain areas (trapezeus, base of the head, back and front of the neck, rotator cuff area). In getting older I have gotten slightly more in touch with my body and what it needs and although I didn't have any strength to do so, I knew my body was begging for some kind of consistent cardio--like a walk. I laid in my driver's seat of my car for a few minutes contemplating what to do (I was supposed to call Noa to work out), ended up driving over to his place, where with some massage, some aspirin and some dim/peaceful lighting, my muscles began to relax and I started to feel better. This morning, I awoke to more pain, so when I got to work, I decided to do some research on wth was going on.
Without a long to-do, I figured out what it was, and that lots of other people have it too. It's called fibromyalgia.
What was great to see was that all the remedies that were suggested were things that I have already experience as great pain relievers, even without knowing what was going on in my body. These things include:
-Exposure to sunlight
-Ice
-Relaxation/stress relief
-Regular exercise!
-The right kind of muscular strength training
-Vitamin D3
-Vitamin B12
-Yoga and stretching
-Anti-depressants
All of these things are things that are so very healing to me. I realize that by sitting in my office chair for hours daily has hurt me incredibly, and that my gut was right--I need to move, I need to stretch, and I need to be outside.
The mainstream pharmaceutical world is pushing other drugs like lyrica that were originally anti-seizure medications. The side effects outweigh the pros for me, plus I am not disabled by my pain, just bothered, and I really sense that what I need to fix me is a healthy lifestyle.
As a note, the 3 yoga classes I've been to were the most euphoric and soothing experiences of my life. It is time to restart that. Things I hate about yoga are the hippie white people, but I can get over that if it helps me so much.
Having this dx makes helping myself no longer something I can ignore, it brings it front and center as something treatable that I can deal with. I don't feel sick or sad, in fact I am ecstatic to know that I have the tools to bring my body back to life so to speak.
Thank you God for this insight! Help me to live it.
Thank you for the amazing body that you created!
So today this morning I took some D3 and a multi-vitamin with B12, and then a lunchtime walk down to Ross and back. I also bought some shoes at Ross but well, never mind that.
Without a long to-do, I figured out what it was, and that lots of other people have it too. It's called fibromyalgia.
What was great to see was that all the remedies that were suggested were things that I have already experience as great pain relievers, even without knowing what was going on in my body. These things include:
-Exposure to sunlight
-Ice
-Relaxation/stress relief
-Regular exercise!
-The right kind of muscular strength training
-Vitamin D3
-Vitamin B12
-Yoga and stretching
-Anti-depressants
All of these things are things that are so very healing to me. I realize that by sitting in my office chair for hours daily has hurt me incredibly, and that my gut was right--I need to move, I need to stretch, and I need to be outside.
The mainstream pharmaceutical world is pushing other drugs like lyrica that were originally anti-seizure medications. The side effects outweigh the pros for me, plus I am not disabled by my pain, just bothered, and I really sense that what I need to fix me is a healthy lifestyle.
As a note, the 3 yoga classes I've been to were the most euphoric and soothing experiences of my life. It is time to restart that. Things I hate about yoga are the hippie white people, but I can get over that if it helps me so much.
Having this dx makes helping myself no longer something I can ignore, it brings it front and center as something treatable that I can deal with. I don't feel sick or sad, in fact I am ecstatic to know that I have the tools to bring my body back to life so to speak.
Thank you God for this insight! Help me to live it.
Thank you for the amazing body that you created!
So today this morning I took some D3 and a multi-vitamin with B12, and then a lunchtime walk down to Ross and back. I also bought some shoes at Ross but well, never mind that.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Can't seem to focus today. I should be familiar with this already, this "funk" and it's symptoms. This should be an easy diagnosis, but I never seem to want to believe it's happening.
Maybe my "funks" should be reclassified--they're not something to medicate, but they do signal You wanting time with me, a yield sign in my blurry ride.
So maybe I can stop. I don't know when. I'm scanning through the rest of my day today and all things to do and I don't see when.
But I have now. This is it, I guess. This is the time to talk to you.
I'm grateful to not have Christine here on Wednesday afternoons. Nothing against her at all--just that I don't think I could find peace sharing this space--it is nice to be alone.
There's so much running through my head. There's work that I don't feel very capable of, work that I just don't want to do, and a lot of fighting to hold on and not let go.
The only part of me that is willing to let go is the vain side that knows that the more I struggle emotionally, the more weight my body retains, so in order to look my best for the wedding, I best be spiritually and emotionally happy. That's so stupid, but I consider this issue at least 1x a day.
So instead of all the whats and the whens that clutter my day, I am going to stop to reflect on the whys. When I graduated college and started work at OHA that was one of my major lessons in corporate work world--don't ask smart questions, or at least ask them sparingly. The "whys" of what the work is, how efficient the system is are usually so dangerously complex and assinine that you are better off using your time doing anything else than to ask "why".
It's a survival technique but it also stifles the soul. So there you have it. Machines don't ask why and that is why they're so g-damned efficient. They just do.
And I have started to use this technique with everything else in my life. It works. I survive. But I really want to thrive and love, and feel deeply, and worship. And those things, those require more than just action, they require pause and heart.
And although this survival technique works--every machine breaks down once in awhile. And to me, that's what my funk, what my depression is. It's a reminder, a beautiful reminder that I am not a machine, I have a soul.
I have a soul.
God thank you.
I have a soul.
Life is not just stuff to do. What a waste to do do do do do and never stop and thank, appreciate, and worship.
We need to start to get to church on time, and stop missing the worship.
That's where my voice went too--nowhere, I just stifle it because I'm too busy. It's still there. It's been there all the time.
The "do" side of me wants to figure out how to work in these pauses regularly but so that I have a balance (unlike college where all I really did was walk around and worship). So instead, I pray, Lord, that you would do that. You know the perfect balance of all.
That stupid talents parable is haunting me. If I stop working, I will lose your favor. Or something like that. But the spirit in me is saying that I need to stop too. So how to do both?
There's a lot to write about, a lot to ponder and cherish in my heart. Like Mary, of course. There's so much magic that you've been doing that I feel like I've wasted because I don't stop to thank you. I'm so sorry.
Please know, God, how thankful I am for all the miracles I see you doing. Please help me to see your hand, your presence, your work even more. And I pray that as you reveal that, that I might always be quick to stop and worship you.
Noa is fragile and strong and beautiful and when I ponder his soul I am overwhelmed with emotion. I can't handle such depths and usually try to ignore the beauty of a man you've blessed me with. Which is so wrong--it's such a sin, I can feel it. It's like someone laboring hour upon hour to make you a gift and when they give it too you, you respond with a mere "meh". How awful.
I am so excited, but I am so scared because it's so new--but not really. What you are showing me now is what I am really afraid of is losing/forgetting to stop. Forgetting to worship. That's what the mid life crisis for me would be about. It would be this incredible guilt and sadness for all the years I ran forward and never stopped to enjoy. It wouldn't be a job so to speak, not a career that I never reached for, not even (as much as it sucks to say this) never getting to be outside. It would be forgetting to worship.
College was exciting because with every new thing I worshipped. I was amazed, I was grateful.
Did I get it? Do I get a point? Am I on-key here? And if so, what do I do now? I know I need mornings with you. Yep. Pretty dang sure.
Is it wrong that I am frustrated at how you are still such a mystery?
God, keep us close to you. Thank you for teaching me still. Keep Noa and my heads together bowed before your presence.
And thank you for uncle Greg and his family's salvation. Tutu Momi is cheering up there, right??
Please give me good chances for worship and pause, especially going into the wedding!
xoxo
ho'onani
Maybe my "funks" should be reclassified--they're not something to medicate, but they do signal You wanting time with me, a yield sign in my blurry ride.
So maybe I can stop. I don't know when. I'm scanning through the rest of my day today and all things to do and I don't see when.
But I have now. This is it, I guess. This is the time to talk to you.
I'm grateful to not have Christine here on Wednesday afternoons. Nothing against her at all--just that I don't think I could find peace sharing this space--it is nice to be alone.
There's so much running through my head. There's work that I don't feel very capable of, work that I just don't want to do, and a lot of fighting to hold on and not let go.
The only part of me that is willing to let go is the vain side that knows that the more I struggle emotionally, the more weight my body retains, so in order to look my best for the wedding, I best be spiritually and emotionally happy. That's so stupid, but I consider this issue at least 1x a day.
So instead of all the whats and the whens that clutter my day, I am going to stop to reflect on the whys. When I graduated college and started work at OHA that was one of my major lessons in corporate work world--don't ask smart questions, or at least ask them sparingly. The "whys" of what the work is, how efficient the system is are usually so dangerously complex and assinine that you are better off using your time doing anything else than to ask "why".
It's a survival technique but it also stifles the soul. So there you have it. Machines don't ask why and that is why they're so g-damned efficient. They just do.
And I have started to use this technique with everything else in my life. It works. I survive. But I really want to thrive and love, and feel deeply, and worship. And those things, those require more than just action, they require pause and heart.
And although this survival technique works--every machine breaks down once in awhile. And to me, that's what my funk, what my depression is. It's a reminder, a beautiful reminder that I am not a machine, I have a soul.
I have a soul.
God thank you.
I have a soul.
Life is not just stuff to do. What a waste to do do do do do and never stop and thank, appreciate, and worship.
We need to start to get to church on time, and stop missing the worship.
That's where my voice went too--nowhere, I just stifle it because I'm too busy. It's still there. It's been there all the time.
The "do" side of me wants to figure out how to work in these pauses regularly but so that I have a balance (unlike college where all I really did was walk around and worship). So instead, I pray, Lord, that you would do that. You know the perfect balance of all.
That stupid talents parable is haunting me. If I stop working, I will lose your favor. Or something like that. But the spirit in me is saying that I need to stop too. So how to do both?
There's a lot to write about, a lot to ponder and cherish in my heart. Like Mary, of course. There's so much magic that you've been doing that I feel like I've wasted because I don't stop to thank you. I'm so sorry.
Please know, God, how thankful I am for all the miracles I see you doing. Please help me to see your hand, your presence, your work even more. And I pray that as you reveal that, that I might always be quick to stop and worship you.
Noa is fragile and strong and beautiful and when I ponder his soul I am overwhelmed with emotion. I can't handle such depths and usually try to ignore the beauty of a man you've blessed me with. Which is so wrong--it's such a sin, I can feel it. It's like someone laboring hour upon hour to make you a gift and when they give it too you, you respond with a mere "meh". How awful.
I am so excited, but I am so scared because it's so new--but not really. What you are showing me now is what I am really afraid of is losing/forgetting to stop. Forgetting to worship. That's what the mid life crisis for me would be about. It would be this incredible guilt and sadness for all the years I ran forward and never stopped to enjoy. It wouldn't be a job so to speak, not a career that I never reached for, not even (as much as it sucks to say this) never getting to be outside. It would be forgetting to worship.
College was exciting because with every new thing I worshipped. I was amazed, I was grateful.
Did I get it? Do I get a point? Am I on-key here? And if so, what do I do now? I know I need mornings with you. Yep. Pretty dang sure.
Is it wrong that I am frustrated at how you are still such a mystery?
God, keep us close to you. Thank you for teaching me still. Keep Noa and my heads together bowed before your presence.
And thank you for uncle Greg and his family's salvation. Tutu Momi is cheering up there, right??
Please give me good chances for worship and pause, especially going into the wedding!
xoxo
ho'onani
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
By Your Grace We are Saved
Oh, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you. (I can hear Tutu Momi's low voice--late night prayers :))
That excitement that I had for LC, the beauty I found there--it wasn't the place, but it was You leading me to see. So now, I am in your grace, under your hand, walking in faith to a lifelong journey. This is a big step, but I am just as excited. I pray that you would guide me in my relationship with Noa just like you did with my time at LC/pdx.
That depth of voice, that awe, that gratefulness. Thank you for being here with me again. Thank you for answering my mother's prayers, her mother's prayers, my prayers.
Today is Ash Wednesday. I know that the basic just of it is to give something up to get closer to You. I'm pretty sure you want me to pray for Nana's salvation every day. I know that's not really "giving up" something in the traditional method, but I think that the humility necessary and the time is something.
Just got props from Catherine and Frank. Thanks God!
Okay, back to work. Just wanted to say thank you.
--H
That excitement that I had for LC, the beauty I found there--it wasn't the place, but it was You leading me to see. So now, I am in your grace, under your hand, walking in faith to a lifelong journey. This is a big step, but I am just as excited. I pray that you would guide me in my relationship with Noa just like you did with my time at LC/pdx.
That depth of voice, that awe, that gratefulness. Thank you for being here with me again. Thank you for answering my mother's prayers, her mother's prayers, my prayers.
Today is Ash Wednesday. I know that the basic just of it is to give something up to get closer to You. I'm pretty sure you want me to pray for Nana's salvation every day. I know that's not really "giving up" something in the traditional method, but I think that the humility necessary and the time is something.
Just got props from Catherine and Frank. Thanks God!
Okay, back to work. Just wanted to say thank you.
--H
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Back to You
What a crazy world, crazy life. I really only find any sense of grounding from God's word, will, and way right now.
I need a sabbath. I need some space, 1x week, to be alone. To clean or do whatever it is I need to do.
I have a thoughtful presentation due tomorrow morning. It will be a long night tonight, since I am the kind of person that must still myself long enough to create good work.
I do miss the luxury of wandering around college all day. That was amazing. Not having responsibility but to study for a few classes and if you wanted Bs or Cs, that responsibility could be put off until the last minute. It was a little piece of eden, where i could stroll around in the trees and grass and birds and just let my spirit worship. I know that's not very "meaningful" and that I wasn't making any money, or progressing in any way, but it felt (and feels) so righteous that I wholeheartedly believe it is a worthy life. Sometimes I like to fancy I'll be an angel someday just worshiping you for eternity.
However, the extreme of that lifestyle is well, probably a homeless wanderer. And without relationship, not at all attached to others--in reality, slightly deluded.
God, I pray you help me find the beauty in Noa that you made. It is so apparent in nature, but I have stopped seeing your light in people. I don't feel safe looking for you in humankind anymore--though I used to when I was younger (middle school, high school). And the beauty in Nana. And the beauty in all those I touch/interact with. If we are made in your image, nothing can change that fact, no matter how we clothe it in bitterness or fear, makeup or zealousness.
May I find your presence, your handiwork, and worship You for it. Amen.
I thank you for your holy spirit and how you are working. I am sorry that I want more and more, faster and faster. I want it all and when I get glimpses of how I really have no control, I freak out. I freaked out this past weekend with Noa. I just want so badly for him to be my Godly leader, but I am learning, yes, I know, that I cannot rely on Noa, or mom, or memory, or Sunday church services to know you. Augh.
But I want to smile so big and so real with my whole heart so that I might bless You and bless Noa, that he and You both know how blessed I feel. Please, God.
You are working in his heart and mine. I pray that your work be protected in our hearts. Life has just gotten challenging. I still want your intimacy and joy to be so alluring that I never think about leaving and the same for Noa. However, I know, that faith requires more than that--where I have to choose you just because, not because of how I feel at the moment.
I do want to be married to him already. I really do. When he kissed me in the car early this morning, so lovingly, so gentle, so honest before leaving for his flight, I knew. I just want our life to start, I don't want to pretend anymore with sleepovers and dates. He is my husband, I know it in my heart. In the heart you have filled and the two loves seem to be getting along swell, which gives me so much peace. The rest, the details of the wedding planning is killing me, it really is. You know the last entry I wrote long ago about how poorly I deal with transitions? And how it would be an exhibition of new strength to merely open my eyes and try to enjoy the journey? Well, now I have to PLAN the journey, not just the destination? No, that's pretty much beyond my capabilities. And now I understand why.
So we've got Marley on board now. And we meet with her next week. I pray that you would be present in our meetings with her and in our relationship with her. I pray that you would use her to create the wedding you know is best! What do you think we would like/we need, God? Only You really know!
Fill Noa with love for You. You first. I know if that if he loves You, he will love me. And he will love himself, and others. And you can love him back because he'll let You in. Here's our hearts, Lord take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
Lastly, work. Well, not lastly, there are a million things to pray about. But help me to work unto You, to do a good job, to be faithful with the little I have, to edify, to bless. Make my silly little interviews and powerpoint etc. worship to you, pleasing to you. Worship with the brain and not just the heart? I believe it can be done!
Much love. Thank you for never, never, never leaving me (or us--all of us).
Amen & amen!
--H
I need a sabbath. I need some space, 1x week, to be alone. To clean or do whatever it is I need to do.
I have a thoughtful presentation due tomorrow morning. It will be a long night tonight, since I am the kind of person that must still myself long enough to create good work.
I do miss the luxury of wandering around college all day. That was amazing. Not having responsibility but to study for a few classes and if you wanted Bs or Cs, that responsibility could be put off until the last minute. It was a little piece of eden, where i could stroll around in the trees and grass and birds and just let my spirit worship. I know that's not very "meaningful" and that I wasn't making any money, or progressing in any way, but it felt (and feels) so righteous that I wholeheartedly believe it is a worthy life. Sometimes I like to fancy I'll be an angel someday just worshiping you for eternity.
However, the extreme of that lifestyle is well, probably a homeless wanderer. And without relationship, not at all attached to others--in reality, slightly deluded.
God, I pray you help me find the beauty in Noa that you made. It is so apparent in nature, but I have stopped seeing your light in people. I don't feel safe looking for you in humankind anymore--though I used to when I was younger (middle school, high school). And the beauty in Nana. And the beauty in all those I touch/interact with. If we are made in your image, nothing can change that fact, no matter how we clothe it in bitterness or fear, makeup or zealousness.
May I find your presence, your handiwork, and worship You for it. Amen.
I thank you for your holy spirit and how you are working. I am sorry that I want more and more, faster and faster. I want it all and when I get glimpses of how I really have no control, I freak out. I freaked out this past weekend with Noa. I just want so badly for him to be my Godly leader, but I am learning, yes, I know, that I cannot rely on Noa, or mom, or memory, or Sunday church services to know you. Augh.
But I want to smile so big and so real with my whole heart so that I might bless You and bless Noa, that he and You both know how blessed I feel. Please, God.
You are working in his heart and mine. I pray that your work be protected in our hearts. Life has just gotten challenging. I still want your intimacy and joy to be so alluring that I never think about leaving and the same for Noa. However, I know, that faith requires more than that--where I have to choose you just because, not because of how I feel at the moment.
I do want to be married to him already. I really do. When he kissed me in the car early this morning, so lovingly, so gentle, so honest before leaving for his flight, I knew. I just want our life to start, I don't want to pretend anymore with sleepovers and dates. He is my husband, I know it in my heart. In the heart you have filled and the two loves seem to be getting along swell, which gives me so much peace. The rest, the details of the wedding planning is killing me, it really is. You know the last entry I wrote long ago about how poorly I deal with transitions? And how it would be an exhibition of new strength to merely open my eyes and try to enjoy the journey? Well, now I have to PLAN the journey, not just the destination? No, that's pretty much beyond my capabilities. And now I understand why.
So we've got Marley on board now. And we meet with her next week. I pray that you would be present in our meetings with her and in our relationship with her. I pray that you would use her to create the wedding you know is best! What do you think we would like/we need, God? Only You really know!
Fill Noa with love for You. You first. I know if that if he loves You, he will love me. And he will love himself, and others. And you can love him back because he'll let You in. Here's our hearts, Lord take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.
Lastly, work. Well, not lastly, there are a million things to pray about. But help me to work unto You, to do a good job, to be faithful with the little I have, to edify, to bless. Make my silly little interviews and powerpoint etc. worship to you, pleasing to you. Worship with the brain and not just the heart? I believe it can be done!
Much love. Thank you for never, never, never leaving me (or us--all of us).
Amen & amen!
--H
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