How to tell my work story.  I think I can tell it pretty well. 

How to tell my story in terms of change management--

--Hold up.  Why am I terrified?  

What am I scared of?

I am not lying.  I will be honest about what I've done. 

It is not as small as I think it is.

My work was neither big nor small.

It was work.

It was good work.

I did good work.

The ideas that I am incompetent

Incapable

of comprehension

retention

leadership

Are lies.  Lies from the Devil.

Straight from hell. 

I'm serious.  This is some serious b.s. straight from the enemy.

God is not a God of fear.  He is a god of courage and faith and hope and love.  And his perfect love casts out all fear.  ALL OF IT.  

So I CAST OUT ALL FEAR IN MY HEART IN THE NAME OF JESUS.

BY HIS STRIPES, I AM HEALED.

I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE>
I AM NOT AFRAID.

God ordained, God chose what's next.  God knows.  God blesses, God makes, God gives, God takes away

Blesssed be the name of the Lord.

Yahweh.  God almighty.  The only God.  The one true God.  The one by whom I am saved.

So yes, I will prepare.

But I will also walk into there knowing, without a shadow, without a doubt, that HE WILL WILL WHAT HE WILLS AND HE IS PROTECTING ME AND GUIDING ME.

I cannot go outside of His protection when I seek Him

Seek me and you shall find me

Ask me and it shall be given unto you

God, I ask for the right job

and I ask for favor with God and man, that I would be called righteous again

That's what hurts the most with TP is I did screw up

because it hurt to be there so much

I stood on the train tracks like that dog days song

waiting to get hit so I could feel happiness and freedom

and I'm sorry. Please redeem me

so that I might do good work in your name.

Please give me a chance to bless others in your name.

Please give me a chance to use my talents, whatever you think those are.

Please give me a chance to use my experience, my skills.

Please give me a chance to grow!

To learn!

To RETAIN!

TO use skills!

To help others!

To love others!  To have a faith of works 

and a faith in work

Please cast out fear

I am yours I am yours I am yours

I am sorry

for hurting Noa as I flailed

your will be done

your kingdom come

i believe

i still believe

in your miracles.

breathe life into these dry bones. tomorrow. tonight.  please

please forgive me

and let me try again

i'm sorry i'm so so sorry

i'm so so sorry

don't give up on me, with you, yet

Jesus you didn't have the coporate world.

Do you understand it?

Are all cultures the same overall because they all have the hearts of men?

Nay, you understand all because you are God.  I get that.  I think it's just historical Jesus that's so hard for me.  Like the stories make you more real and less real all at once, because you're human but you're also historical, from a culture that's not mine and with context that's not mine.  I'm sorry that's been so hard for me to get over.  I need help with that.  I need help hearing, seeing, feeling, trusting you're close.  

I am hopeful and yet I hurt, and I am grateful for the hope.  I am sad about Josh and I want to run fast

for my mother fast for my father

run for my sisters and my brothers

leave all my loving my loving behind

if i carry it with me i won't survive

the dog days are over

the dog days are done

hear the horses coming

here they come

hallelujah hallelujah

hallelujah hallelujah

I have a list of things to do.  I am excited about tomorrow.  Today with Ann was great.  We had a great time talking and though it feels a little like dating and I need to practice not talking over her, it was a fun date.  The movie would have been tragic for me 10 years ago but now just feels like art. The minds and souls of children are indeed blessed--I'm not sure how one would go through life without a callous or two.  But maybe being emotionally honest with you, God, is the way to that childlike heart. If you can peel and heal everyday, then maybe I can stay holy.

Weird things: I feel myself being drawn to you via new agey methods.  I am starting to like self-help books.  This feels sacreligious to the religion of my memory,  but the concern is vague.  I am trying to gt closer to you and me, too.  A mI wrong to beliee there is some of you inside of me to be found?  I have always been taught and followed an anti-navel gazing mindset, but so far that I have trouble hearing myself.  What do I want seems like the craziest question.  But that Barb Shay or whatever her name was guru person posed hearing inner spirit as similar to the gut check you make when you decide on what you're hungry for.  Though this too is a hard analogy--I was taught to eat (and like) whatever meal is in front of me.

The point is, we all have affinities, at least in the moment.  Like picking an ice cream flavor.  Right now, without a doubt I would choose cookies and cream.  Ask me in two hours, though, and this may change.

So 1. am I *allowed* to get in touch with my affinities?  Is this inherently selfish?  Is doing so inherently ungodly because it is not directly from you, not necessarily of service, and not biblical? I can tell you though, that my gut is screaming that this is what I need.  I need to know my own voice.

I get angry when I compare how easy a time others seem to know what they want.  With all my heart I hope I can teach my kids to understand themselves and their wants.

In the path of emptiness I still have myself.  I have you too, but you are not visible but through my mind and heart and soul.  You are speaking through me.

I don't like, God, how Christianity has paled to me.  How I'm not excited about the things I repeated in my youth.  How even the whiff of corporate church makes me sick.  (For example, city church, which seemed to have good people with good, righteous intentions.  Maybe it was the blue and purple lights that triggered my revulsion?  Idk.)

I don't know what makes me light up anymore.  I have been trying so hard to quiet everything inside so to function.

When were my last moments of True joy?
Car ride with mom and Josh to pickup my dress/look for a wedding location: feeling like family, with our own weird language; some couch/living room moments like that too.

grand canyon: freaking beautiful and sharing those sights with Noa.

hot air balloon: also freaking beautiful and sharing that with Noa.

crater lake: freaking beautiful.  sharing the freaking beautiful with Noa.  Swimming in it.

nyc: independence, travel, confidence builder, doing stuff I wanted, living w/o fear

having written something good for Brian's writing class: crafting something to perfection & receiving props, feeling heard, hearing myself

drawing class in Honolulu art academy: exploratory, able to 'feel' it out (except for perspective)

dancing in the halau: when we received instruction.  being mentored.  working toward perfection.

swimming out past elks: freedom to go as far and long as I want.  solitude

the wednesday minor league class with john russell teaching: because the energy was high, i was ON, it was higher caliber

when holzer asked if instead of their money back for a missing interface, they could 'get more Ho'onani time': because they had found value in my work

being formally accepted into the MBA program: having hope for a future career

signing up for Bridges to volunteer: a place I can learn and do good work

Walking the path from the Myer's to saturday market--because it was new, lovely, and Noa was with me

Volunteering at the rose garden: beauty and community and rose flavored shaved ice!

Hanging out after improv two weeks ago

Getting rid of clothes: feeling lighter, like I can have freedom to move and travel and create clarity to define who I am.  I want to make choices that are honest to myself, that draw lines on an identity.