I am desperate for meaning. For some good work to do with my hands, with my brain.
In my desperation, I am ignoring the work in front of me, the job I have now.
Logically and slightly emotionally, there are two paths that I can see.
But neither path is lit ahead of me.
Lord your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
If all this world is to fade, what is the point of saving it? Of caring for it? Why do I desire to do so, perhaps even more than the souls that you have given us?
The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever. --Isaiah 40:8
Why do I cry in Jurassic World when the Brontosaurus is dying but not when the humans are? What is wrong with my heart? Why am I so closed to the pain of other humans? Why do I protect my heart so fiercely?
We are talking about kids. I don't want to have kids out of giving up. But if kids are the right path, then that's different.
God light our paths,. please.
I am burying talents so hard. And yet all I want is your approval. Do we just move and ask forgiveness later? I don't know where to find the balance of waiting and moving. And I don't know which way is forward.
I still believe you're true. That your promises, even the ones I don't know, are true and forever. I believe that your son, Jesus, is real and will intercede for me. I believe in santification and salvation.
I just want to know if what I'm doing is ok or not and where to go. What is the point of a relationship with God if you can't hear him?
If I am spiritually deaf God, heal me? If not, show me, sign language something please. Interpretive dance your message? Do something you know I'll understand?
Is that all I am? A mother? Is it that the small things are really the biggest? Is that the lie I've been following all along, that I have it inverted--where regonitioon and pay are more important that love and relationships?
WHY AM I SO SET ON DOING SOMETHING
ON BEING SOMETHING
AND WHY WON'T YOU LET ME???
i feel like you gave me all this fracking talent and then
no where to go
and just said no?
like a mute with a beautiful voice
are you doing something?
I need to feel that peace, that closeness, I need to feel you here, please.
If you made me an INFJ why the frak would you not let me do something
it just seems so cruel? I get that it's not up to me.
Where is the line of my part vs your part. Why is that so hard for me?
