A miracle is only a miracle if you acknowledge it.  You must have eyes that see and ears that hear.  If you forget the sound of the wind because you become deaf, you may still feel it brush your shoulders, but part of its mystery is lost.  (When you observe something in its full mystery, you are enlightened. When something in its full mystery is observed, we are enlightened.

Jackson was a place where crows came to die.  Crows themselves are intelligent creatures, watching everything below as though it were a puzzle. Humans tended to view them as simple, which the crows knew too, and because this, the crows also knew that they themselves were the smarter species.

No human had ever figured out why crows died in Jackson.  They came from all over--as far as two counties away--to land on the Jackaranda trees in the middle of Ms. Staton's yard.  Hundreds of them a week.  Once landed, each would stay perched on its branches, never leaving until losing its grip with its final breath.

Ms. Staton was eighty-nine last year.  Her children grown, her husband dead.  She felt alone, but not lonely--she chose to follow a routine that kept her company with each hour.  At 6 a.m. she made toast and cut a grapefruit in half and wrapped the other half with plastic wrap, leaning her body against the kitchen counter for balance.  At 7 a.m. she watched the Today show and though she didn't understand all the things the anchors talked about, she liked their energy and their familiar smiles, like friends waving from across the room. At 11 a.m. she would slowly bend into the pink loveseat in front of the television and watch her soap operas, waking up somewhere between 2 and 3 p.m. to the sound o
Somewhere between 5 and 6 p.m. she'd water her plants and feed the two cats and heat up the second half of yesterday's TV dinner.  By 8p.m. the dishes were washed, she had sponge bathed herself with a warm, wet washcloth, and she was in her old silk nightgown headed to bed.

PREFACE:
This assignment was a painful reality check as it calls for me to decide do things I've wanted to do but haven't, and for me to face up to my intolerance for change and my overall social atrophy.  I tried for many days to write this assignment in a stoic, non-disclosing manner that portrayed my reality in a better light, but kept failing at making something worthwhile--the nature of the exercise requires honesty, and so I've given into writing some pretty baring truths. I have been afraid that the honest descriptions below will cause some sort of loss of respect (though we don't really know each other well so the potential loss is perhaps not that large).  Yet, I wish for guidance and mentoring that I believe would be most fruitful if I write/speak honestly. So here goes/warning.  (And also a request for confidentiality.)

ASSESSMENT/REASONING FOR EXPERIMENT SELECTIONS:
It has always been the case that I've worked hard to keep up the appearance that I am confident and capable in life, but this effort of farce has been especially true recently.  One way to save face, that I've taken on recently, is to simply not show face--that is to isolate myself from all things challenging, new, social, etc.  This withdrawal began before my brother's murder, but gained undeniable momentum after it. Two key reasons for my earlier withdrawal were: 1) workplace frustration (this was a originally a conscious decision, stemming from many years of systemic sexism in software development that I was no longer willing/had the energy to fight), and 2) becoming a remote worker after moving to Portland in 2014 (which meant that I no longer naturally had opportunities for creative/interactional challenges within most of my work and was mostly relinquished to grunt work).

My decision to pursue this MBA program, though I didn't dare write it in my essay, was essentially to fight to return to the person I had once seen both in my work and personally, and towards the leader I hoped yet to be. I needed a force beyond myself to begin to progress again, and believed this program would be a gentle way to wake up all my skills. In the past few years, my husband often urged me to 'just get a new job.' I do want a new job. But being a deconstructed version of myself right now makes that hard to envision, let alone to sell my qualities to a hiring committee.

This said, reading the week's excerpt from Act Like a Leader, Think Like a Leader was the first time that I've felt that my self-deconstruction might be a blessing.  I have experienced wondrous successes in life via my work and my charisma leading to achievements, and these successes once led to a confidence that evolved into pride.  My pride seemed rational to me back then, as it was based on previous experiences.  But I am nearly certain it would have blocked me from trying out new methods and attempts to act and think differently.  Thank you for sharing this text, it rekindled hope for me and provided a purposeful context for my challenges--I have purchased the book to read!

PROPOSED EXPERIMENTS:
Experiment 1:
From the Rejuvenating & Restoring and Time-shifting & Replacing genres: go to the gym (M-Sat) first thing in the morning, so to become strong mentally and physically as well as to set a mindful precedent of self-value by setting aside time for myself
Metrics:
-Did I go to the gym this morning?  Today?
-Did I go to bed at reasonable hour so to get up early?  How much sleep did I get?
-Did I feel angry/sad/victimized about giving up too much time on work/others today?

Experiment 2:
Out of the Grow Your Network exercise, Appreciating & Caring genre, and Revealing & Engaging genre: be bravely social and practice vulnerability with a friend/friends/coworkers, as a step to expanding to other social networking opportunities
Metrics:
-Did I meet with or have a 15 min phone conversation with someone this week?
-Did I reach out/ instigate the conversation/meeting?
-Did I talk/ share during the meeting or revert to only listening?
-Did I communicate beyond work tasks with my work team this week?
-Do I feel more interested in expanding my network than yesterday?

Experiment 3:
From the Focusing & Concentrating and Revealing & Engaging genres (and interview with him as a Stakeholder): quality time with my husband to improve home happiness, willingness for vulnerability, and communication skills
Metrics:
-Did we schedule time together this week?
-Did we talk face-to-face for 30 mins without distraction twice this week?
-Did I learn anything new about him this week?
-Did I share how I am feeling during these times or revert to listening?
-Did he feel like he learned anything about you this week?

Experiment 4:
From the Tracking and Reflecting genre: Read Act Like a Leader, Think Like a Leader and journal about it and my other experiments daily. In order to solidify what I learn from the other experiments, I need to take time to reflect and pray.
Metrics:
-Did I write about my experiences and readings today? Did I pray about them?
-Did I read the book today (until finished)?
-What did I learn today?  What have I learned overall?
-Have I talked about what I'm learning with others?

CONCLUSION:
I am really looking forward to conducting these experiments.  They seem simple but having a clearer strategy and means to measure them makes them actionable.  Thank you for this class and for helping ensure it is a part of the MBA curriculum.  I hope to work with you further if you are willing/able.


Notes:

4 Way Wins / A pocketful of prospects:

What could I do within a month or so? 

Ideas:

-Find a mentor and/or meet with Niki

-Exercise regularly to start my day/ return to regular sleep schedule

-Take a vacation and try out the things I once loved = play

-Reconnect with home, family & faith = foundation

-Schedule coffee dates with Noa to share yourself & connect face to face

-Find someone to talk business with as a mentor

-Continue therapy

-Meet with people/socialize 1x week or at least call them.  Build relationships.

-Be willing to relearn. Take on a beginner’s attitude, shift your thinking to it being just an experiment, not the definition of your ego.

So, I think I need to full out do cash envelopes.  I need to feel the bills leave my hands, otherwise it's too easy--it's just a collections of numbers that I plug in and my transaction is complete.

It is time to diet, in all ways.
-Buying stuff (decrease):
---Pay off HWN card (~$7000).  Keep no larger than $3500 balance
---Pay off ON card (~$500)
---Start taking out cash from US Bank for personal use.  All personal items must be bought in person and with cash.  
---Eliminate online shopping

-Cleaning stuff (increase)
---20 mins tidying everyday--keep main areas clean
---Fix the bedroom.
-organize/put away all clothes (check weather and decide what stays out)
 -Get rid of unused coats (BR, ON red, brown puffy, maybe silver vest (try on), college black.  Keep fur and red or black for mom visit.)
-Wash and store snow clothes
---Fix the desk area
---Last: do all the hang laundry and put away

-Overeating & sugar/carbs (decrease)
Coffee with cream AM, salad & yogurt afternoon, 1 luna bar ok.  subway PM :(.  No candy or sweets.
-Oversleeping (decrease--wake up every morning and start day with light cardio workout)
-Exercise (increase)
Go in mornings and participate in classes when can.
-Mon-Fri = AM cardio downtown, evening optional zumba/UJam; Sat = Hula & UJam (Pearl)

-Also: PM: Library study.  Class is about to require regular focus again.

Early this morning I found myself trying to remember exactly what Noa was wearing that night we first kissed.

I couldn't do it.

I remember now there's a picture, somewhere, at Kayla's birthday party that should show us dancing together--and what we were wearing.

Today while riding the elevator down to leave our apartment, I was struck with the notion that I was not really living and I only have one short life to do so.  I thought, well I would go back to school, or take a class, or buy a piano, but those are costly.  And then I remembered looking at a $1200 beige purse on my phone for a half hour while sitting on the toilet last night.  And then I thought, I could have a purse, or I could have a life.

And then I thought, I would really like that purse though.

I would have totally eaten that marshmallow as a kid in that famous experiment.

The thing is, I think I would still eat that marshmallow.

So what now?

The fruit of the spirit is love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness & self-control. Against these things there is no law.

Self-control is a fruit.  Help, God.

You know what I love more than getting the thing?  Dreaming (asking myself, what do I want) the thing, and finding the thing,  Creating a target that I can lust after and even achieve.

So maybe I just need some real goals in my life.  Setting the bar as low as a $1200 bag seems like a wasted life.

Help, God.


So what do I want?

Where do I find it?

How do I get there?


I don't know.  I used to say I wanted to help people, but right now I feel so disconnected from You that I don't feel that anymore.  It's just a weird, guilty memory.

H.S. chills right now.  I confess.  I confess.

What do I want?

I want to write, with breath.  Alo-ha.

I also want to read.

I want to read soul.  Read powerful sounds and thoughts.

I want to find voices I can align with, including the Bible.

I want to live how the H.S. guides.

And I do want to help people, but only with You.