Let me start with there is sunlight right now. Sun. Shining. blue skies.
How do people deal with these seasons? This long delay of despararation. Of burying desires until they blossom again with each spring?
I forget how sad I am until the sun comes out and I feel happier than I can remember.
I don't know how much I need to be outside until I am inside all day.
I forget how good it is to love and be loved until I spend all day at home and have no friends.
I am becoming something by having nothing. I always wanted to know I am, who God made me to be. Maybe this was a necessity, a necessary evil, this dark silence?
Birds, birdsong. Amazing. They feel the sun and celebrate for this short hour before the early sunset at 4.
I want so badly to be in the sun.
I want so badly to be back home. To swim in the ocean. To smell the air. To be able to drive to see my family.
Just a few years, right God? Ii am thankful that you will use this fast to sort something out. I givie ti to you to do that.
God I long for clarity, for direction. I feel like the next word is on the tip of my tongue...but it never comes. And so I am breathless and silent. Watiing with bated breath.
Things where I feel movement, like a baby in my belly:
Mom being back and my fear of losing her, of seeing her frail, of missing my time with her and her time with her potential grandkids
Noa cousneling me with wise H.S. counsel in Dennys
Being asked by Sharon to sing with her, asked to join worship team. In a time when i couldn't care less. When i don't want to be public, don't want to be a figure, don't want praise.
That moment, getting out of the car at the Ponzi wine estate in willamette valley. The air and the freedom and those birds, and the silence, the only movement soudns were of birds winges and trees shaking when they land and take off. I was free. Knowing that somewhere in my heart you placed a seed in me to be outside. To be something. Something defined. Every no is a yes to me because I started with no boundarieds. So thank you for ievery no. Thank you thank you thyank you. But I still want to do sthing And I don't want to run away. I don't want to hide in the beuaty of nature away from you. I don't want to hide liek adam and eve in the gardene. If you tell me to go somewhere where my heart cant dream of where I don't long to be, I will go, and I will be happy to serve. I have the hardest damn time thinking that you would want me to be where it feels like ..joy. What the hell is that ? That I can't serve you if it is pleasant/ Is that some weird precomception and misconception? Does serving the Lord need to be painful? Hard? Full of war and trouble?
what does it mean that you want to give your children good things? could it possibly mean that we could be free? and do things differently?
And if that is so, God, what about all these worldly skils I have worked out? What do I do with those? HOw can I use those to glorigy you? Should i just trash them and leave them behind?
Come
Now is the time
To Worship
Come
Now is the time
To Give your life
Come
Just as you are
To worship
Come
Just as you are
To Serve your God
Come
One day every knee will bow
One day every voice will sing
Greater is the one who remains in me
I gladly serve him now
Where do you want me to go? PLEASSE PLEASE PLEASE KEEP TALKING
What hte heck are are the talents of the parable?
great website just found: theology of work
