Can't seem to focus today.  I should be familiar with this already, this "funk" and it's symptoms.  This should be an easy diagnosis, but I never seem to want to believe it's happening. 

Maybe my "funks" should be reclassified--they're not something to medicate, but they do signal You wanting time with me, a yield sign in my blurry ride.

So maybe I can stop.  I don't know when.  I'm scanning through the rest of my day today and all things to do and I don't see when. 

But I have now.  This is it, I guess.  This is the time to talk to you. 

I'm grateful to not have Christine here on Wednesday afternoons.  Nothing against her at all--just that I don't think I could find peace sharing this space--it is nice to be alone.

There's so much running through my head.  There's work that I don't feel very capable of, work that I just don't want to do, and a lot of fighting to hold on and not let go. 

The only part of me that is willing to let go is the vain side that knows that the more I struggle emotionally, the more weight my body retains, so in order to look my best for the wedding, I best be spiritually and emotionally happy.  That's so stupid, but I consider this issue at least 1x a day.

So instead of all the whats and the whens that clutter my day, I am going to stop to reflect on the whys.  When I graduated college and started work at OHA that was one of my major lessons in corporate work world--don't ask smart questions, or at least ask them sparingly.  The "whys" of what the work is, how efficient the system is are usually so dangerously complex and assinine that you are better off using your time doing anything else than to ask "why".

It's a survival technique but it also stifles the soul.  So there you have it.  Machines don't ask why and that is why they're so g-damned efficient.  They just do.

And I have started to use this technique with everything else in my life.  It works.  I survive.  But I really want to thrive and love, and feel deeply, and worship.  And those things, those require more than just action, they require pause and heart.

And although this survival technique works--every machine breaks down once in awhile.  And to me, that's what my funk, what my depression is.  It's a reminder, a beautiful reminder that I am not a machine, I have a soul.

I have a soul.
God thank you.
I have a soul.
Life is not just stuff to do.  What a waste to do do do do do and never stop and thank, appreciate, and worship.

We need to start to get to church on time, and stop missing the worship.

That's where my voice went too--nowhere, I just stifle it because I'm too busy.  It's still there.  It's been there all the time. 

The "do" side of me wants to figure out how to work in these pauses regularly but so that I have a balance (unlike college where all I really did was walk around and worship).  So instead, I pray, Lord, that you would do that.  You know the perfect balance of all.

That stupid talents parable is haunting me.   If I stop working, I will lose your favor.  Or something like that.  But the spirit in me is saying that I need to stop too.  So how to do both?

There's a lot to write about, a lot to ponder and cherish in my heart.  Like Mary, of course.  There's so much magic that you've been doing that I feel like I've wasted because I don't stop to thank you.  I'm so sorry.

Please know, God, how thankful I am for all the miracles I see you doing.  Please help me to see your hand, your presence, your work even more.  And I pray that as you reveal that, that I might always be quick to stop and worship you.

Noa is fragile and strong and beautiful and when I ponder his soul I am overwhelmed with emotion.  I can't handle such depths and usually try to ignore the beauty of a man you've blessed me with.  Which is so wrong--it's such a sin, I can feel it.  It's like someone laboring hour upon hour to make you a gift and when they give it too you, you respond with a mere "meh".  How awful. 

I am so excited, but I am so scared because it's so new--but not really.  What you are showing me now is what I am really afraid of is losing/forgetting to stop.  Forgetting to worship.  That's what the mid life crisis for me would be about.  It would be this incredible guilt and sadness for all the years I ran forward and never stopped to enjoy.  It wouldn't be a job so to speak, not a career that I never reached for, not even (as much as it sucks to say this) never getting to be outside.  It would be forgetting to worship. 

College was exciting because with every new thing I worshipped.  I was amazed, I was grateful.

Did I get it?  Do I get a point?  Am I on-key here?  And if so, what do I do now?  I know I need mornings with you.  Yep.  Pretty dang sure.

Is it wrong that I am frustrated at how you are still such a mystery? 

God, keep us close to you.  Thank you for teaching me still.  Keep Noa and my heads together bowed before your presence. 

And thank you for uncle Greg and his family's salvation.  Tutu Momi is cheering up there, right??

Please give me good chances for worship and pause, especially going into the wedding!

xoxo
ho'onani