Early this morning I found myself trying to remember exactly what Noa was wearing that night we first kissed.

I couldn't do it.

I remember now there's a picture, somewhere, at Kayla's birthday party that should show us dancing together--and what we were wearing.

Today while riding the elevator down to leave our apartment, I was struck with the notion that I was not really living and I only have one short life to do so.  I thought, well I would go back to school, or take a class, or buy a piano, but those are costly.  And then I remembered looking at a $1200 beige purse on my phone for a half hour while sitting on the toilet last night.  And then I thought, I could have a purse, or I could have a life.

And then I thought, I would really like that purse though.

I would have totally eaten that marshmallow as a kid in that famous experiment.

The thing is, I think I would still eat that marshmallow.

So what now?

The fruit of the spirit is love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness & self-control. Against these things there is no law.

Self-control is a fruit.  Help, God.

You know what I love more than getting the thing?  Dreaming (asking myself, what do I want) the thing, and finding the thing,  Creating a target that I can lust after and even achieve.

So maybe I just need some real goals in my life.  Setting the bar as low as a $1200 bag seems like a wasted life.

Help, God.


So what do I want?

Where do I find it?

How do I get there?


I don't know.  I used to say I wanted to help people, but right now I feel so disconnected from You that I don't feel that anymore.  It's just a weird, guilty memory.

H.S. chills right now.  I confess.  I confess.

What do I want?

I want to write, with breath.  Alo-ha.

I also want to read.

I want to read soul.  Read powerful sounds and thoughts.

I want to find voices I can align with, including the Bible.

I want to live how the H.S. guides.

And I do want to help people, but only with You.