I am desperate for meaning.  For some good work to do with my hands, with my brain.

In my desperation, I am ignoring the work in front of me, the job I have now.

Logically and slightly emotionally, there are two paths that I can see.

But neither path is lit ahead of me.

Lord your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.


If all this world is to fade, what is the point of saving it?  Of caring for it?  Why do I desire to do so, perhaps even more than the souls that you have given us?

The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever. --Isaiah 40:8

Why do I cry in Jurassic World when the Brontosaurus is dying but not when the humans are?  What is wrong with my heart?  Why am I so closed to the pain of other humans?  Why do I protect my heart so fiercely?

We are talking about kids.  I don't want to have kids out of giving up.  But if kids are the right path, then that's different.  

God light our paths,. please.

I am burying talents so hard.  And yet all I want is your approval.  Do we just move and ask forgiveness later?  I don't know where to find the balance of waiting and moving.  And I don't know which way is forward.

I still believe you're true.  That your promises, even the ones I don't know, are true and forever.  I believe that your son, Jesus, is real and will intercede for me.  I believe in santification and salvation.

I just want to know if what I'm doing is ok or not and where to go.  What is the point of a relationship with God if you can't hear him?  

If I am spiritually deaf God, heal me?  If not, show me, sign language something please.  Interpretive dance your message?  Do something you know I'll understand?

Is that all I am?  A mother?  Is it that the small things are really the biggest?  Is that the lie I've been following all along, that I have it inverted--where regonitioon and pay are more important that love and relationships? 

WHY AM I SO SET ON DOING SOMETHING 
ON BEING SOMETHING
AND WHY WON'T YOU LET ME???

i feel like you gave me all this fracking talent and then
no where to go
and just said no?

like a mute with a beautiful voice

are you doing something?

I need to feel that peace, that closeness, I need to feel you here, please.

If you made me an INFJ why the frak would you not let me do something
it just seems so cruel?  I get that it's not up to me.   

Where is the line of my part vs your part.  Why is that so hard for me?